Pie crisis in Christchurch NZ as survivalists take to the hills

Retailer and Supermarket chains all over the Canterbury area are reporting that their stocks of pies have now reached a critical level.

This has been linked to this statement by Lost Recon Militia fuhrer Kyle Chapman

"Run to the hills! The Moari(sic) terrorists are coming!! We must secure an existence for white pastry"

Manager of the Barrington New World [name withheld] said

"As soon as we stock the shelves these unsavoury characters in camouflage outfits, short haircuts and nazi tattoos come and raid the shelves of everything we've got."

In a more serious twist a vehicle similar to pictured below was used in a smash and grab raid late on Wednesday at Couplands Bakery in Christchurch. Large quantities of Family size Mince and Cheese were taken by the offenders. Police are following the trail of crumbs from the purloined pastries.

In other disturbing news there are reports of bakery trucks being held up at paintball gun point at intersections. This patisserie banditry has got so out of hand that a number of urban Christchurch bakeries have resorted to delivering pies and sausage rolls in armoured trucks.

In other news, Heinz/Wattie has stationed armed guards outside their Watties Tomato Sauce warehouse

In a Nudewhite exclusive, thanks to bribing our informants with a tray of custard danish, we have worldwide exclusive footage of the masterminds (sic) of this boulangerie banditry waiting to be served with their ill gotten pastries.

Hunk of the Month - Alex Fogerty

Mouse brown hair, a steely gaze and bifocals that the sun could stream through and start a fire in the heart of any red blooded white lass.

Alex is a hardened ex-military man. But his military service was with a unit so secret that nobody has heard of it. What a guy.

Alex sleeps with a night light. Not because he's scared of the dark, but because the dark is scared of Alex.

Alex's favourite workout is sex. Here's a way, girls, to tone off that unsightly cellulite by making the horizontal mamba with Alex part of your daily aerobic routine.

Alex is a deep thinker. "I think that one day a world government will happen if we are to take to the stars, my only real objection is who will run this government."

But you'd better snap him up quick ladies because he's in demand. "I have never had a problem with women, more often than not I have trouble keeping them away!"

Jim Saleam "no good in the sack" - reason for Australia First split

Overheard by one of our "under the bed" reporters

"Erectile dysfunction" is the cause cited by "Princess" Di Teasdale of the recent separation of the NSW branch of the Australia First Party. "Jimbo just couldn't get it up" stated the sultry Di as the main reason for the split in the unmade bed that is Australian ultra right politics.


A distraught Di may tease but Jim won't rise to the occasion.



Jim Saleam - soft in the salami department?

Bolton's missus casts hex on Welf Herfurth

File under: Hijacking the astral plane

News just to hand is that Kerry Bolton's missus "K" has used her powers of torment to ensure that Helf Werfurth's arse is permanently covered in painful boils.

This is in response to Herfurth's usurpation of the name New Right Aus/NZ for his motley collection of black hanky clad pimply adolescents. And Drew Fraser who somehow fits in there, but we don't know how.

Gauge for yourself, gentle reader, the efficiency of this foul curse. Has anybody actually seen Welf sitting down in recent memory?

According to Dr Kerry Bolton, the name New Right has nothing to do with National Anachronists and besides I thought of it first, so there. Nah na na nana.

In other news commodity trading of eye of newt has hit the roof.